little secrets

oh, heavy heart

2012-01-31T22:25:00.000-08:00

starting to lose interest in most things, stopped eating most things, stopped setting my alarm clock, stopped turning my phone on ring, stopped brushing my hair out, stopped buying everything, threw out all of my clothes, now all I have is your "new york dolls" t-shirt that I stole from the pile of laundry that you never put away. I spent all of my money on gas, because for some reason, driving with no reason is more appealing than anything else. I ran out of things to watch on television. I started going to the gym and just staring at the people sweating in front of me while I ride on the bike, or climb the rotating stairs. I organized my books from short to tall, and tossed all of the things that once would make up my material future. I no longer have color in my room. My sheets are white along with my lamp and my desk. There is a big stain on the rug from where make up once spilled, my mother will never forgive me for that. Desperately seeking work, second interview earlier today, and I will be waiting by the phone on Friday to hear how they judged me and compared me to the other applicants. I will be so upset if I do not get it, only because then I will know that someone else is preferred over me, for the second time this week, and for the "nth" time in my life.

What is hurting the most is not only my infected ear, but my realization that if he loved me, he would have called me back into his life already. What hurts the most?

Missing you.

change the sheets

2012-01-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

here is to a new start, a new feeling about myself.
I may be down, and I may be lonely, but I will shape up, and start running again, just like I used to when I lost him before.

I was happy then.

twizzlers forever

2012-01-20T21:00:00.001-08:00

in the darkness, I will still be awake

2012-01-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

waiting here for you
the snow won't even stop me

lost room, lost wisdom

2012-01-18T17:33:00.000-08:00

I've lost my room, I've lost my treasures, I've lost my money, and I've lost myself.

But I have you.....?

pots and pans and things

2012-01-18T17:30:00.001-08:00

I've always been a dreamer.

But what happens in the meantime? Because I know that the future is going to be just right, but how will I make it there?

on your dad's couch

2012-01-18T17:28:00.001-08:00

no school, no job, in bed all day, awake in the dark, asleep in the sun, cloudy bedroom eyes, scruffy beard and sleepy warm thighs, what are we doing here?

on the piano bench

2012-01-11T02:22:00.002-08:00

in the morning
will you still be here?

I know how I feel

2012-01-11T02:22:00.001-08:00

but I

failer

2012-01-11T02:20:00.000-08:00

things are moving so quick, so fast, so weird.

I am happy, I really am.

but things are changing, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm sorry, I've moved on. I'm sorry, you are growing up and I have grown apart from you.

I have fallen in love with new things, new places, and new bedsheets.

I love him. I do.

2012-01-08T16:12:00.001-08:00

I am the most comfortable when I am laying naked and vulnerable in your arms.

2012-01-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

1) glue
2) copies
3) mailing utensils
4) decorate
5) postal service, ups
6) write
7) helen
8) salad
9) water
10) send em'

a grain of salt

2012-01-07T03:10:00.001-08:00

together we will blend, perfectly

winter

2012-01-07T03:08:00.002-08:00

you've got me sitting here dreaming about you and me
"I try to lose you, I can't. I can't forget you, I can't get enough of you."

before turning back

2012-01-07T03:08:00.001-08:00

I have caught myself falling into ruthless routines.

don't follow her into the dark

2012-01-07T03:07:00.000-08:00

space echo

2012-01-07T03:06:00.000-08:00

and in the night.... oh, and it does get dark

you can be my little farmer boy

2012-01-07T03:05:00.002-08:00

romance novels for youth

2012-01-07T03:05:00.001-08:00

artistry, art history

2012-01-07T03:04:00.000-08:00

constantly

2012-01-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

i used to need

2012-01-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

bridal wear

2012-01-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

where to work? bridal wear?

to u s

2012-01-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

our h o m e

organization

2012-01-03T12:06:00.000-08:00

and all things pure

perfect days

2011-12-26T19:27:00.000-08:00

pretty girls

2011-12-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

together

2011-12-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

PS-

2011-12-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

I do.

in the past, in the future

2011-12-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

1) KEXP
2) The Mountain
3) Jive Time, Sonic Boom, Everyday Music, Bop Street, Easy Street
4) Shows, shows, shows
5) Book, book, book
6) Video
7) Open microphones
8) New songs
9) Band practice
10) Festival Applications

2011-12-22T12:39:00.001-08:00

What do I do now?

1:03 am

2011-12-22T01:01:00.000-08:00

but this winter break isn't so lonley

opaque

2011-12-22T00:55:00.000-08:00

working couples

2011-12-22T00:51:00.000-08:00

pale skin

2011-12-21T23:11:00.001-08:00

up late

2011-12-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidaze

2011-12-11T15:53:00.001-08:00

never thought anyone just wanted my body

(You can't have it, na na na na)

you don't belong here

2011-12-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

you'll never change

prossimo

2011-12-10T11:01:00.001-08:00

On to the next one

They are crawling

2011-12-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

People are everywhere!

not sure

2011-12-09T15:53:00.000-08:00

Is it too late to learn this language? I feel so horrible, such a "Failer." Is it too late to understand the structures and ways of speaking? Procrastination got me, goodness, a whole quarter late.

2011-12-06T01:52:00.001-08:00

day dreaming about a _______________.

these days

2011-12-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

1) No money
2) No job
3) Poor grades
4) Internship
5) Album
6) Shows
7) Band
8) Practice space
9) Running
10) Lack of running
11) Cleaning
12) Paying electricity
13) Rent for apartment
14) Rent for practice space
15) Stomach aches
16) Cold sheets
17) You fuck girls to Bjork
18) Supposedly I sound like a tint of Bjork, says Ryan Van W.
19) Couch to sit on
20) Can't sit on couch, too dirty
21) Germs
22) Girlfriends
23) I miss Nick
24) Car sold
25) Craving Fall City
26) Car sold
27) No time for a job
28) I gave your beer to my sister
29) Un-organized
30) Need a good response
31) You need to stop breaking hearts

we've got to get home

2011-12-03T19:15:00.001-08:00

Ms. Madison

2011-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

they'll say we're being lazy

2011-12-03T19:12:00.001-08:00

Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy

Carbon Monoxide, soon we'll go to sleep.
No one will notice we're gone because we don't have a job to keep.

they'll say we

2011-12-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy
Come on, daddy

Carbon Monoxide, soon we'll go to sleep.
No one will notice we're gone because we don't have a job to keep.

slow songs

2011-12-03T00:43:00.000-08:00

by Whitney Ballen and the Intimates

2008, oh how

2011-12-02T22:21:00.000-08:00

there was cuddles that lasted all night and all morning
and you never wanted to get up
I could've stayed there for a lifetime, now I only wish we talked

WARSAW

2011-12-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

KRIS ORLOWSKI

2011-12-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

it is getting to cold to function
we've been trying to keep the heat off to keep the costs down but I don't know how long I will last.

we've been taught to love and give

2011-11-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

2011-11-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

The heart I carved on the tree around the initials of yours and mine.

2011-11-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

esquire

2011-11-19T17:43:00.001-08:00

2011-11-14T12:07:00.001-08:00

what do you want from me to please you?

local girl gang

2011-11-13T11:59:00.002-08:00

hidden secrets

2011-11-13T11:59:00.001-08:00

2011-11-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

projects ahead

2011-11-10T15:49:00.001-08:00

There will be a Coloring Pages pt. II coming in 2012.

Including images of couples, intimate moments, and sexual positions.

Beware- some of Coloring Pages pt. II will be Rated 'R'.

*I will be selling the new Coloring Pages as well as the old version at shows starting in January of 2012, make sure to get your copy!

autumn

2011-11-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

cosmia

wild one, wild at heart

2011-11-09T23:14:00.002-08:00

David Lynch made me very scared of you, but in this picture, I can't help but stare at your beautiful locks of hair and badass pose.

holiday charms

2011-11-09T23:14:00.001-08:00

oh, the lights will soon be turned on, alive, more than ever!

our sex lives

2011-11-09T23:12:00.000-08:00

it's none of your business

"I'm sorry, but I think you have a problem getting it up...."

gold parallel banister charm

2011-11-09T23:08:00.002-08:00

I felt a presence. It was cold, it reached out, touched my shoulder blade, told me not to go home. I stayed out past dusk, waited for a sign. I waited for another touch, I could see my breath. Constantly, my head turned around, almost spinning, looking for a stranger, something unknown. I felt your presence as I walked out onto the shore that night, I was not spooked. I was allured.

joanna

2011-11-09T23:08:00.001-08:00

be mine, you are such a poet, a muse

simple, imagery

2011-11-09T23:07:00.001-08:00

last night, what we lost

2011-10-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

I can put flowers in my hair and pretty up my face. I can pray a thousand times that I won't make that same mistake, but you will still look at me the same.

baked

2011-10-28T19:11:00.001-07:00

I want to start a bakery. I don't bake, and I just stopped eating wheat. I want to start a bakery.

when do I become a working girl?

2011-10-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

ocean ocean shores

2011-10-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

hints of green, but mostly orange and browns

2011-10-26T14:46:00.001-07:00

There is almost nothing better than putting on a very worn and loved sweatshirt after a cold run and a hot shower, with wet hair. Who says I have to use a brush and dry my hair with style? No one.

I am guilty of skipping classes, sleeping in too late, spending a long time trying to get to know myself, wasting too much money on tea from coffee shops, and borrowing your internet to search endlessly through blogs and crafty endeavors.

After all, why should I feel so bad? This is fall, it only comes around once a year and it is my favorite season. I am sure that if I explore past fall blog posts on here, of mine, I would find similar statements of guilt and shame. "I am a bad student. I need to start waking up earlier. I feel so bad about being such a slacker."

Perhaps I just need to accept that maybe my body needs this rest, maybe there is something coming up in the near future that will consume all of my energy and I will not have time to sleep then. So, for right now, I will be okay with my poor habits and growing hours of shut eye. And, I will enjoy this tea that I purchased to please myself and support my favorite local coffee shop.

2011-10-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

Winter blues and belly aches

heartbeat

2011-10-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Only those who I try to push away, want me.

flavors of america

2011-10-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

listening to jose gonzalez

2011-10-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

It is becoming fall, the real kind of fall where the air smells crisp and my fingers are constantly cold. Starting to get lonely, need to get some pillows to fill up the empty space in my bed. Sleeping with boys who don't offer me the warmth I need or the comfort I think I might deserve. Driving farther and farther, listening to you sing about God on repeat, not even a true believer. Giving up on you, giving up on myself.

Getting really, really, cold.

2011-10-15T18:14:00.001-07:00

things are okay

johnston

2011-10-11T13:36:00.001-07:00

"True love will find you in the end"

falling in love with an artist

2011-10-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

q-ti's

2011-10-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

higher

2011-10-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

you take another drink

2011-10-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

from what you thought was just water
but there is simply nothing there....

where all of my things hide

2011-10-03T20:20:00.001-07:00

together, to get her

2011-10-03T20:18:00.002-07:00

"Well, do you care about him?" she asked.
"I do, I do a lot."
"Why don't you tell him?" she replied.
"He wouldn't like a girl like me."

conclusions

2011-10-03T20:18:00.001-07:00

hello, welcome in

2011-10-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

dark knights

2011-09-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

twin peaks soundtrack orchestrated
H E A V E N

today, tomorrow, and forever

2011-09-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

I've got to stay organized...

uh huh, mmm hm

2011-09-29T00:59:00.000-07:00

Gonna get along without you now.
I'm gonna find somebody that is twice as cute,
because I didn't like you anyhow.

You told everybody that we were friends,
but this is where our friendship ends,
because all of a sudden you changed your tune,
you haven't been around since way last June.
Uh huh, mmm hm
Gonna get along without you now.

into the sun

2011-09-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

2011-09-27T15:11:00.001-07:00

for the love of winter and fall and all things that smell like spice

SHALIMAR AND LANIE 084

2011-09-27T00:43:00.001-07:00

SHALIMAR AND LANIE 084, a photo by whitneyballen on Flickr.

don't want to be a downer

2011-09-26T14:35:00.001-07:00

but I am so lost

the sun disappeared behind the clouds

2011-09-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

Hi. Hello, this is me. I am now 20 and I am staying in Seattle, Washington. I have a nice view out of my bedroom window and right now the clouds have parted, some very dark, and the other half is a gray blue color. My neighbors to the South of the house always keep their back porch light on. It is comforting, and a very calm colored yellow, not too bright. Sometimes the view keeps me up at night. I like to keep the window open because it feels refreshing, as if I am not inside of all of these walls, but instead outdoors. I have become more independent after moving out of my parents' suburban home. I walk or bike to the grocery store to buy my fruit and milk, and will be walking to school every morning, and then busing to my internship. This year will be a new experience for me. I will keep track of deadlines and continue to fight through challenges in school, work, and my internship, as well as my own personal and physical challenges. This year I will play music with a full band. I will learn how to work better with others even if I have to completely expose myself to them through my songwriting. I have been told that I need to be more of a leader, I have started working on this. However, recently I have noticed that a part of me has been lost or hiding. I don't know what I like anymore, besides music and art, I have forgotten how I like to feel or how I like to look. My roommate and all of his friends seem to have a style down. Although I feel like I know myself very well, perhaps even better than some of his friends, I don't know how to dress. I am torn between dressing professional and dressing creatively. I used to know how. I don't know where or when I lost this ability. So, this is something I am going to try and rekindle, for myself.
I am confident that this year will bring some very good things and very difficult decisions. I am comfortable with knowing that I will have to make some of these decisions, whether they are right or wrong. I will be okay. It is okay.

I have forgotten what it's like

2011-09-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

2011-09-22T19:21:00.001-07:00

It is getting darker, earlier.
I guess I don't have much time for anymore evening runs.

brakhage

2011-09-22T18:56:00.001-07:00

I saw myself asking the operator questions, very concerned and intrigued about this magnificent machine. "How do these images come alive, how are they projected?" I never could grasp it. I kept probing, asking question after question. After sometime, I gave up, and I moved onto the next station where flip books were being made. There, I stopped, flipped through a couple of illustrated stories, set them back down and continued to walk. There were people around me, not too crowding, but enough, I wasn't alone.

I don't know when this happened, I don't know if this happened. I don't know if this was a dream, but it was before I fell in love with Stan and this makes me wonder, was it meant to be?

summertime is over

2011-09-20T23:05:00.001-07:00

in the water, we feel weightless
but I am on the ground

ballard avenue

2011-09-20T23:04:00.001-07:00

I am very drained tonight. But I stood up to them today, I told them how I felt, how I wanted it to be... I don't think they listened.

I am ready!

2011-09-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

I am starting an internship in October with Junebug Weddings!